Friday, May 20, 2005

A Stranger on the Sideline of Life

Blogging doesn't come easily to me. I like the idea of blogging a lot, but I find it hard to sit down and do it. I think part of the problem is that I don't like taking time from my life to examine and write about it. Or maybe I'm afraid of what I'll find out about myself if I look that hard at my actions.

This post marks the beginning of my third attempt to frame some sort of blog that suits me. The first was The Beading Life Online, news and information about the bead store I owned in Wilton, NH for almost 3 years. I started the blog in December 2004 - but then I had to close the store in March this year.

The second attempt was even more short-lived. At the beginning of May, I got the notion that I would write reviews of movies I'd seen and add a link to Amazon to buy the film. I reviewed one film I'd seen on DVD, then the idea died a-borning when my movie watching thinned out too much to count for anything. The time for DVD watching just isn't here, and I don't manage to get to the theaters, in spite of living just next door to the coolest theater in the country.

Life is a moving target, and my attempts to blog have been stymied, perhaps, by a notion that a blog post somehow makes it stop long enough to get a close look at it. My dissatisfaction with blogging comes from an expectation that each blog post is like a butterfly, dead, dry, and pinned spread-winged to cotton under glass. These butterflies are fixed and finite, and it's possible to believe that, given enough time, you could some day know everything there is to know about them.

In reality, writing a blog is more like a visit to one of those greenhouse butterfly gardens. You stroll among beautiful tropical plants, catching an occasional glimpse of brightwinged creatures as they flutter past. If you're lucky, one will perch on a twig long enough to get a close look at its colors and patterns. If you're really, really lucky, sometimes a butterfly even lands on your clothing and travels along with you for a short while. No matter how you try, however, these butterflies will only give a few hints about themselves.

Life is a mystery, a journey, an adventure. It can't be pinned down - if it could, it would no longer be life.

I hope someone out there is reading these posts. Maybe this time, I'm beginning to understand the why and wherefore of the process. If so, I imagine you'll be seeing more messages from me.